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Day 18 & 19: Living Life on Shifting Sand

As I continue to recover from what I can now only refer to as my crisis of self I can’t help but ponder the ever shifting saga of  my life.

Oh, viagra buy cheap to be even a third of the person I long to be!  Living with mental illness, or a physical illness that manifests itself due to stress, is a little like living with tiny bombs exploding in your mind.  In a moments notice life shifts from calm and peaceful to evil and destructive.

When I am in a calm and peaceful state of mind I feel invincible.  I am able to learn almost anything very quickly.  I have a great deal of energy.  I am easily able to handle a crisis, I am organized and I present myself in a very efficient way.

Then in an instant I am angry, frustrated, have difficulty concentrating, unfocused, and physically unable to function.  My entire mind and body shuts down.

The most difficult part of this is that it is not clear what brings about these drastic and destructive changes.  With some things it is easy to make the connection.  As an example; someone tells me they will do something, I trust them to do it and they do not follow through with it.  A normal reaction might be to talk to the person, tell them you are upset  and move on with your life.

My reaction is my body shuts down, I have a hard time breathing, my heart rate increases, the pain in my body intensifies to all most unbearable levels, I can not think clearly and it is difficult for me to speak.  Instead of this reaction lessening in a few seconds it continues on for days, weeks or months.

One simple, innocent act of forgetfulness or misinterpretation by another leads to months of self hate and self abuse on my part.   In most cases the other party has no clue the impact that one action has had on my personal health.  They will never even know I was upset.  My body goes into a protective mode where I say what I need to say to calm the situation and appear sane. All the while I am crumbling inside and looking for an escape from the conversation or situation.

There are things which will put a temporary stop to this reaction.  Things like obsessive over eating,  drinking or drugs.  Some other things people consider more productive such as exercise, working, dancing.  The fact is all of these will work in the short term but they just lead back to a more intense, albeit delayed, reaction.

This could explain why many people with mental disorders suffer from addictions in many forms while others become known as geniuses.   In our culture it is socially acceptable to focus our obsessive energy into exercise, work or the arts.  However, it is not okay to be fat, an alcoholic or a drug addict.  Yet, we are continually stunned to discover the flaws of those we come to admire from their obsessive works.  Even those so-called productive outlets can not suppress the destructive nature in the long term.

Often it is as if I am looking at myself from the outside.  I watch myself making choices that I feel I would never make.  I see behaviors that are not my own and reactions which are out of character with who I am.  But there I am this completely different person living my life.  I am both fascinated and appalled by this woman.

Its the little things – Time to Change TV advert – YouTube

Its the little things – Time to Change TV advert – YouTube.

Fighting the Voices

As I work towards finding my miracle, viagra canada purchase or for that matter my sanity, discount I find myself frustrated. The voices in my head are becoming so loud over the past few days that I feel like I have to shout over them in order to function at all.

The pain in my head is not going away.  I could understand if the stresses I am under were real stresses that would have a negative impact on peoples lives.  That is just not the case. All the stress I am feeling is of my own making.  My head spins with “what will people think”, sovaldi  “what will be said”, “why can’t I do anything right”, and the headaches grow more intense.  The pain just grows and grows, I don’t know how to stop it.

Everything makes me angry – noises, emails, the way people look at me.  Light seems so heavy.  I so want to be able to do normal things.  I miss working, projects, people.  I miss myself.  I don’t know where to find her.  How can I be so good at what I do one moment and so completely helpless the next?

I hate this, I hate every second of it.  I hate all the nice little sayings about you are what you think, think positive thoughts and the world will magically open before you.  What a crock of BS.  I can’t control my thoughts, my mind or my body.  I did not ask for this.  I did not manifest this into existence.  This is not God’s punishment for some evil thought or deed. This is just a mind that does not know how to process information.  It sucks and all the positive self talk in the world will not make it better.

God can not or will not save me.  Drugs do nothing other than send me into rapid decline and even more extreme reactions.  The world around me would like for me to just suck it up and act as if everything is fine.   You know what; in my real world everything is fine.  I have a home, I have love, I have a good working car, I food to eat.  No one is hurting me.

That is not true, I am hurting me.  I can not shut her up.  She is endless, abusive and hateful.  I hate her.  I don’t know how to get rid of her without getting rid of me.  I hate, I hate her, I hate her!

So many years,  so much money, so many treatment centers, therapists and doctors.  It seems endless.  Somehow I managed to keep it together in some form until a few years ago.  Now I just want to be able to get back to the point where I can find the other part of me and keep her here.  I do not want this part to be in control.  If I can just find balance.  If I can just find rest.

If I can just make the endless voices in my head shut the F…………. Up!!!!

Waiting For a Better Day!

I have been lost in a whirlwind of activity.  When I get excited about something I dive into it with gusto.  I have been very excited about building blogs.  I love it.  I love to see an empty page and watch it become an organized group of thoughts and concepts.

I also love working on community projects.  I enjoy meeting new people, cialis usa salve learning new things and feeling like a part of the solution, drugstore not a part of the problem.

All of this is well and good until I run into a problem I can not solve on my own.  I have some major trust issues.  It is really amazing even to myself how little I trust people.  As a result of this when I need to rely on another person to take care of something for me I revert back to unhealthy behavior patterns.

I have trouble sleeping, I start questioning everything I do.  The voices in my head scream rude and hateful things at me.  I also begin to feel exhausted.  The pain in my body becomes almost unbearable.  At first I become like a caged animal.  I want to move, pace, take care of everything I have let slide.  Then my body crashes and the tension just grips hold of me making it hard to move or think.  I have intense migraines and my vision blurs.  All in all it sucks!

Writing this blog is a way for me to become aware of patterns.  It is also a place for me to be honest about the craziness that happens in my head.  I don’t have a lot of readers and even if I did I have never been a person who is that concerned with keeping secrets.

Still, even while I want to help people understand what dealing with a so called mental illness is like, the person inside me that wants to be liked wants to tell everyone I am fine.  The fact is, I am not all that fine at the moment.  I am working to change these patterns of behavior.  I am working on developing new coping skills and not hating myself for whatever the hell is wrong with me.

But it is not working so well.  I can’t get the damn voices in my head to shut up.  They just keep spinning and spinning.  I so want to get to the point where I can get back into the workforce.  I want to feel productive and not scare people I love, but I have not yet managed to achieve these skills.

So for today I am fighting the demon and waiting for a better day.

Day 15, 16, 17: Acceptance

musicSome days just start off not working out as planned.  Other times the day seem to fall into place like a well played symphony.  A symphony is the perfect synonym to describe living in acceptance.

Acceptance is getting lost within the flow of chaos and feeling the beauty of the moment.  It is seeing how all the pieces fit together perfectly in order to create a rhythmic pattern of balance.

Acceptance is not the turning of the tide.  It is not the point at which things shift into the direction of our liking.  It is when our own personal plans are set aside and we see the situation as something greater than our role within it.  Further still, cialis sales pilule our view point is expanded and we find peace within the chaos.

I always thought of acceptance as learning to tolerate something I did not like.  When someone would say to me you have to accept this in your life I would respond like a caged animal.  In my mind acceptance was the same as admitting defeat.  Acceptance was somehow saying I deserved whatever real or imaged thing I felt was blocking my desired progression.

Conversations with those I felt had power over me come to mind:  “We are moving, you’re our child, so you better learn to accept it.”  “Your child has died, you simply must accept it.” “You will never escape, just accept it.”  “You have to accept it you may never get better.”

Coming to terms with something that seems unbearable is not the same as being in acceptance.  Coming to terms with something is setting it aside in your heart but allowing it to hold a place of honor.  You can take it out and look at it.  It can be used to show your scars to the world or to abuse yourself with the fear of being out of control.   Coming to terms with something allows us an excuse to stay stuck or to throw ourselves back into a moment of pain or horror that we feel no one should ever have to endure.    It can easily become our badge, our war story, and our life long anchor.

Acceptance is finding beauty in all of it.  It is reading the whole book and wanting more. It is knowing sorrow is felt so deeply because love is felt so completely.  It is an uprooted life remembered as adventures and new people, places and things discovered.  It is knowing the pain endured while being trapped helped develop skills of determination and strength.  It is seeing  years of life thought  wasted on despair and anger as rest in preparation for a life yet lived.

Life most often does not bend to our will.  We learn to fight the tide, we learn to ride the waves.  At times it feels as if we will surely die from the pain which is piled on our hearts.  At other times we think we will explode with the abundance of joy and love in our lives.  It is explosive, chaotic, tranquil and exhilarating.  The best we can do is play on and accept we are a part of the orchestra.

Acceptance is not coming to terms with life as it is or may have been.  Acceptance is the awareness that we are playing our own instruments in this life.  We must learn the skills necessary in order to play in harmony within this world.  At times we play solo sounding flat and off key.  Others times the music breathes through us as an expansion of our soul.


Day 14: Another Tiny Step Forward.

LighthouseTiny as the steps may be I keep moving my feet in the direction of life.  When I was seeking to find my way out of the darkness I could not believe how far away the light appeared.  In therapy  many of my sessions ended in the same way.  She would say to me, generic viagra viagra “It is your choice, cialis generic viagra I can not decide for you. Do you want to live or do you want to die?”

At times this statement sent me into a simmering rage.  Other times, find I  was certain the answer was simple.  I did not want to live like this any longer.  Then other times I was sure I could not leave the ones I love.  Rarely, did I feel in my heart the desire to live.

I have noticed the strangest thing over the past couple of months.  My joy is returning.  I find myself smiling for no reason at all.  I am excited to learn again.  I enjoy being around people more often.  I light up at the pure joy on my granddaughters face when she sees me.  I feel I am returning to myself.

At times it still seems a little like walking through a mine field or floor of marbles.  The lurking fear is still there.  Fear of my body shutting down, fear of the pain becoming  unbearable, fear of being unable to function.

Yet, the fear seems to be living in the background these days.  The light is peeking through!  I still find it hard to fully embrace life but I continue to take those tiny steps forward.  If it is true that life it’self is a miracle then each new day is a step in the right direction.

Day 12 & 13: Best Laid Plans, Time to Re-focus!

Never DoubtHere I am at day twelve, best viagra thumb okay really day thirteen, generic viagra questioning my resolve in developing my New Life Imagined.  I am beginning to second guess myself.  I have become intensely interested in the workings of a blog.  So much so that I took time to develop one for Many Hands Food Co-op just for fun.

I love how easy it is to take everything and place it all in nice neat little files.  I love how easy it is to go back and correct mistakes, I love exploring the new tools and changing the look. I enjoy having a place to express myself in all my weirdness.  It feeds the creative side of my soul.  So in that measure I have found an outlet for that side of myself.

Oh, but then!  Back to the reality of the remainder of my list.

I find it very easy to commit myself to dedication towards  Community in my life.  I always have been able to redirect my energy to causes which touch my heart.  Helping to develop a community owned grocery store in an area that greatly needs it excites me.  I enjoy working with others.  I love seeing the skills and talents people share.  I love feeling useful and having a place to share my own talents.  This also gives me a place to increase my skills through Education and Creativity .

Then I move on to areas of my own personal responsibility.  Holiday vacation is over.  Life’s daily schedule has returned.  This is the time at which I have committed myself to the development of the remaining step towards the Miracle I seek.  So let’s take a look.

As far as Family goes I would have to say I am doing okay but not great.  I would really like to focus more on spending at least an hour a day in communication with or in active participation with my husband. I do spend time with him.  We love each other very much and have a wonderful relationship.  Still, I find it all to easy to simply forget to take the time to talk about things that matter.  In a long term relationship it is easy to fall into discussion of family, bills, chores, work.  I enjoy real conversations about music, books, movies, spiritual theories, political views with this man I have chosen to share my life.  I need to remind myself to take time to be present!

That leads me to Health .  This is the area where I struggle most.  I have gained and lost the same 100 pounds so many times in my life I think I should get an award for re-bounds.  I can not blame this on lack of knowledge.   I think I could easily test into a degree for nutrition.  I study the body and how it works just for fun.  Still something inside me always seems to find it’s way back to eating food with little nutritional value and lots of calories.  I am not a stupid woman.  I know nutrition is key to living a healthy life.  What I lack is self discipline.  This is a big part of what this experiment is about.   It is my intend to use this blog as a way of self observation.  I will be starting a new page specific to diet where myself and others can post our food and exercise plans for the day.  

As for Spirituality  my goal is to take time to meditate, I am slacking in this area.  I would like to make this the first thing I do in the morning and the last thing I do at night.  I started off strong and now find myself skipping it.  Time to add it back in.

That takes us to  Wealth, and this is more an area of clearing away debt at this point and time.  I have been spending my time in this area sorting out medical bills, insurance payments and paying what is left.  My biggest goal in this area right now is to reduce medical expenses by improving my health through these seven steps.  Next is paying yearly expenses such as taxes, followed by increasing personal savings to an amount  equal to six months worth of expenses.

So the message of the day is re-focus.  Seven hours a day, seven days a week to becoming the person I desire to be.  Never doubt you are on the right path to your own personal Miracle!



Day 11: Taking Time to Rest

It is easy to get caught up on the things we need to get done.  There is always something waiting in the wings for our time or attention.  Still, cialis sale try it is difficult to just set aside time to totally relax.  A day of rest can seem so self indulgent.

One of the lessons I have learned from being ill is to respect my bodies need for rest.  If I allow myself to become exhausted I may end up out of commission for weeks.  Yet, see I at time find it hard to just honor these messages from my body.

It always seems to come back to balance.  I appear to have two speeds.  One is hyper speed the other is off.  Today it seems the off switch has been pressed.  As I sat down to write this I could hear the tired voices in my head telling me nobody cares what you have to say.  Your tired just go rest.  In truth, treatment that is just what I did.

Rest is important. So are the commitments we make to ourselves.  I had to remind myself I am doing this to learn balance and to work at changing the behaviors that no longer serve me.  While it is true, my body needs rest my mind still needs to focus on developing the habit of discipline.

So as I sit here under a blanket, reaching for yet another tissue, drugged by cold medicine I reflect on how even now my body , mind and spirit long for balance.  I began this post at 8:27 last night.  I am now finishing it at 8:27 this morning.  Balance? Not yet,but the Universe does have an interesting bit of humor to it!

Day 10: Focus Verses Obsession, It’s a Fine Line.

080213blogimage-600x426Okay maybe it is true what my family and friends say.  I don’t get involved – I get obsessed. I think it is normal while working on a project to spend 10 straight hours on just that one last thing.  You know the little thing, generic viagra store that follows the other one little thing, generic cialis viagra until you  have become a master at something you did not understand at all when the day began.  I just want to figure it out!   So in my defense let’s look up the meanings of these to approaches.


 noun äb-?se-sh?n, ?b-

: a state in which someone thinks about someone or something constantly or frequently especially in a way that is not normal

: someone or something that a person thinks about constantly or frequently

: an activity that someone is very interested in or spends a lot of time doing


 noun ?f?-k?s

: a subject that is being discussed or studied : the subject on which people’s attention is focused

: a main purpose or interest

: a point at which rays of light, heat, or sound meet or from which they move apart or appear to move apart; especially : the point at which an image is formed by a mirror, a lens, etc.

Okay, I do not find these two definitions all that useful!  It seems to me it is determined by what others perceive as normal.  In both cases a person is focused on a main interest or purpose.

Last night Don and I were watching the movie “Jobs”.  Steve Jobs, while working with Steve Wozniak, had a vision that moved forward through absolute focus.  This was done at the exclusion of everything else.

Jobs (and Wozniak) are credited with revolutionizing the computer industry by democratizing the technology and making the machines smaller, cheaper, intuitive and accessible to everyday consumers. story

Then there is Albert Einstein.

Einstein began to wonder what a light beam would look like if you could run alongside it at the same speed. If light were a wave, then the light beam should appear stationary, like a frozen wave. Yet, in reality, the light beam is moving. This paradox led him to write his first “scientific paper” at age 16, “The Investigation of the State of Aether in Magnetic Fields.” This question of the relative speed to the stationary observer and the observer moving with the light was a question that would dominate his thinking for the next 10 years...the bio.true story

In both of these cases the people involved could be perceived as either obsessed or focused  depending on the observer.  Their focus made traditional school a poor choice for them.  However, when allowed the freedom to explore their obsessions they were able to expand their minds in ways most can not even begin to imagine.

So my question is, does the observer block the process of creation by placing limitations on the expansion of the mind? If that is the case then shouldn’t we all strive to be outside the norm?  Isn’t obsession simply focus taken to its logical conclusion?

In our society we are programmed, through the media, to develop strong attachments to people, objects, disease, death and many other things which do not serve us.  This can lead to unhealthy obsession.   However, that little spark of intrigue that plays in our mind is often discouraged.  I find I must follow that link that within my own mind until I have reached a conclusion .  Obsession?  Maybe!  Freedom most definitely.

Day 9: Winter Has Arrived

Wow, discount viagra treat minus 4 degrees is cold no matter how you look at it.  It is a “snuggle in for the long haul” kind of night.

I am sitting here listening to Don play his original music snuggled under a warm blanket with my computer in my lap.  Even the heat from the computer feels great!  Still, viagra sale drugstore the thought of a nice warm cup of hot chocolate keeps calling to me.

Winter arrives with visions of thick stews, creamy soups, and pork with veggies roasting in the oven.   It is time to pull out the cookbooks and find the perfect warm and cozy meals to get us through these winter nights.  It looks like I know what I will be doing tomorrow.

Spicy Hot Chocolate
Spicy Hot Chocolate

The question for the night is do I snuggle in with my cozy hot chocolate or do I settle for tea.  I enjoy tea a lot.  I love the smell and the taste of it.  I have even learned to enjoy it without sugar.   Still I am called to return to those cozy nights as a child.  My Mom made great Hot Cocoa!  It seems tonight I will find comfort  snuggling up with a warm mug, Don playing guitar, and my cozy blanket.

Stay Warm Everyone!