As I continue to recover from what I can now only refer to as my crisis of self I can’t help but ponder the ever shifting saga of my life.
When I am in a calm and peaceful state of mind I feel invincible. I am able to learn almost anything very quickly. I have a great deal of energy. I am easily able to handle a crisis, I am organized and I present myself in a very efficient way.
Then in an instant I am angry, frustrated, have difficulty concentrating, unfocused, and physically unable to function. My entire mind and body shuts down.
The most difficult part of this is that it is not clear what brings about these drastic and destructive changes. With some things it is easy to make the connection. As an example; someone tells me they will do something, I trust them to do it and they do not follow through with it. A normal reaction might be to talk to the person, tell them you are upset and move on with your life.
My reaction is my body shuts down, I have a hard time breathing, my heart rate increases, the pain in my body intensifies to all most unbearable levels, I can not think clearly and it is difficult for me to speak. Instead of this reaction lessening in a few seconds it continues on for days, weeks or months.
One simple, innocent act of forgetfulness or misinterpretation by another leads to months of self hate and self abuse on my part. In most cases the other party has no clue the impact that one action has had on my personal health. They will never even know I was upset. My body goes into a protective mode where I say what I need to say to calm the situation and appear sane. All the while I am crumbling inside and looking for an escape from the conversation or situation.
There are things which will put a temporary stop to this reaction. Things like obsessive over eating, drinking or drugs. Some other things people consider more productive such as exercise, working, dancing. The fact is all of these will work in the short term but they just lead back to a more intense, albeit delayed, reaction.
This could explain why many people with mental disorders suffer from addictions in many forms while others become known as geniuses. In our culture it is socially acceptable to focus our obsessive energy into exercise, work or the arts. However, it is not okay to be fat, an alcoholic or a drug addict. Yet, we are continually stunned to discover the flaws of those we come to admire from their obsessive works. Even those so-called productive outlets can not suppress the destructive nature in the long term.
Often it is as if I am looking at myself from the outside. I watch myself making choices that I feel I would never make. I see behaviors that are not my own and reactions which are out of character with who I am. But there I am this completely different person living my life. I am both fascinated and appalled by this woman.