Day 14: Another Tiny Step Forward.

LighthouseTiny as the steps may be I keep moving my feet in the direction of life.  When I was seeking to find my way out of the darkness I could not believe how far away the light appeared.  In therapy  many of my sessions ended in the same way.  She would say to me, generic viagra viagra “It is your choice, cialis generic viagra I can not decide for you. Do you want to live or do you want to die?”

At times this statement sent me into a simmering rage.  Other times, find I  was certain the answer was simple.  I did not want to live like this any longer.  Then other times I was sure I could not leave the ones I love.  Rarely, did I feel in my heart the desire to live.

I have noticed the strangest thing over the past couple of months.  My joy is returning.  I find myself smiling for no reason at all.  I am excited to learn again.  I enjoy being around people more often.  I light up at the pure joy on my granddaughters face when she sees me.  I feel I am returning to myself.

At times it still seems a little like walking through a mine field or floor of marbles.  The lurking fear is still there.  Fear of my body shutting down, fear of the pain becoming  unbearable, fear of being unable to function.

Yet, the fear seems to be living in the background these days.  The light is peeking through!  I still find it hard to fully embrace life but I continue to take those tiny steps forward.  If it is true that life it’self is a miracle then each new day is a step in the right direction.

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