I have been lost in a whirlwind of activity. When I get excited about something I dive into it with gusto. I have been very excited about building blogs. I love it. I love to see an empty page and watch it become an organized group of thoughts and concepts.
All of this is well and good until I run into a problem I can not solve on my own. I have some major trust issues. It is really amazing even to myself how little I trust people. As a result of this when I need to rely on another person to take care of something for me I revert back to unhealthy behavior patterns.
I have trouble sleeping, I start questioning everything I do. The voices in my head scream rude and hateful things at me. I also begin to feel exhausted. The pain in my body becomes almost unbearable. At first I become like a caged animal. I want to move, pace, take care of everything I have let slide. Then my body crashes and the tension just grips hold of me making it hard to move or think. I have intense migraines and my vision blurs. All in all it sucks!
Writing this blog is a way for me to become aware of patterns. It is also a place for me to be honest about the craziness that happens in my head. I don’t have a lot of readers and even if I did I have never been a person who is that concerned with keeping secrets.
Still, even while I want to help people understand what dealing with a so called mental illness is like, the person inside me that wants to be liked wants to tell everyone I am fine. The fact is, I am not all that fine at the moment. I am working to change these patterns of behavior. I am working on developing new coping skills and not hating myself for whatever the hell is wrong with me.
But it is not working so well. I can’t get the damn voices in my head to shut up. They just keep spinning and spinning. I so want to get to the point where I can get back into the workforce. I want to feel productive and not scare people I love, but I have not yet managed to achieve these skills.
So for today I am fighting the demon and waiting for a better day.