Waiting For a Better Day!

I have been lost in a whirlwind of activity.  When I get excited about something I dive into it with gusto.  I have been very excited about building blogs.  I love it.  I love to see an empty page and watch it become an organized group of thoughts and concepts.

I also love working on community projects.  I enjoy meeting new people, cialis usa salve learning new things and feeling like a part of the solution, drugstore not a part of the problem.

All of this is well and good until I run into a problem I can not solve on my own.  I have some major trust issues.  It is really amazing even to myself how little I trust people.  As a result of this when I need to rely on another person to take care of something for me I revert back to unhealthy behavior patterns.

I have trouble sleeping, I start questioning everything I do.  The voices in my head scream rude and hateful things at me.  I also begin to feel exhausted.  The pain in my body becomes almost unbearable.  At first I become like a caged animal.  I want to move, pace, take care of everything I have let slide.  Then my body crashes and the tension just grips hold of me making it hard to move or think.  I have intense migraines and my vision blurs.  All in all it sucks!

Writing this blog is a way for me to become aware of patterns.  It is also a place for me to be honest about the craziness that happens in my head.  I don’t have a lot of readers and even if I did I have never been a person who is that concerned with keeping secrets.

Still, even while I want to help people understand what dealing with a so called mental illness is like, the person inside me that wants to be liked wants to tell everyone I am fine.  The fact is, I am not all that fine at the moment.  I am working to change these patterns of behavior.  I am working on developing new coping skills and not hating myself for whatever the hell is wrong with me.

But it is not working so well.  I can’t get the damn voices in my head to shut up.  They just keep spinning and spinning.  I so want to get to the point where I can get back into the workforce.  I want to feel productive and not scare people I love, but I have not yet managed to achieve these skills.

So for today I am fighting the demon and waiting for a better day.

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