Fighting the Voices

As I work towards finding my miracle, viagra canada purchase or for that matter my sanity, discount I find myself frustrated. The voices in my head are becoming so loud over the past few days that I feel like I have to shout over them in order to function at all.

The pain in my head is not going away.  I could understand if the stresses I am under were real stresses that would have a negative impact on peoples lives.  That is just not the case. All the stress I am feeling is of my own making.  My head spins with “what will people think”, sovaldi  “what will be said”, “why can’t I do anything right”, and the headaches grow more intense.  The pain just grows and grows, I don’t know how to stop it.

Everything makes me angry – noises, emails, the way people look at me.  Light seems so heavy.  I so want to be able to do normal things.  I miss working, projects, people.  I miss myself.  I don’t know where to find her.  How can I be so good at what I do one moment and so completely helpless the next?

I hate this, I hate every second of it.  I hate all the nice little sayings about you are what you think, think positive thoughts and the world will magically open before you.  What a crock of BS.  I can’t control my thoughts, my mind or my body.  I did not ask for this.  I did not manifest this into existence.  This is not God’s punishment for some evil thought or deed. This is just a mind that does not know how to process information.  It sucks and all the positive self talk in the world will not make it better.

God can not or will not save me.  Drugs do nothing other than send me into rapid decline and even more extreme reactions.  The world around me would like for me to just suck it up and act as if everything is fine.   You know what; in my real world everything is fine.  I have a home, I have love, I have a good working car, I food to eat.  No one is hurting me.

That is not true, I am hurting me.  I can not shut her up.  She is endless, abusive and hateful.  I hate her.  I don’t know how to get rid of her without getting rid of me.  I hate, I hate her, I hate her!

So many years,  so much money, so many treatment centers, therapists and doctors.  It seems endless.  Somehow I managed to keep it together in some form until a few years ago.  Now I just want to be able to get back to the point where I can find the other part of me and keep her here.  I do not want this part to be in control.  If I can just find balance.  If I can just find rest.

If I can just make the endless voices in my head shut the F…………. Up!!!!

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