Within hours of my last post the thoughts in my head and the onslaught of self abuse had ended. It is strange and difficult to allow myself to show up in full transparency. When I am in a place of turmoil I want to hide until I am in a place of peace love and kindness. It would be nice to show up in the world at all time with this perfect image.
For extended periods of time over the years I have been able to function very well. However, viagra sales view when I look back over the years it is easy to realize the pattern of these breakdowns. I tend to skim over the hospitalizations in my mind. I also like to ignore the times I should have been hospitalized but have not been.
I never really thought much of the fact that at 13 years old I began to be medicated by doctors. I have always looked at it as a bad diagnosis on part of the doctors. But I now see even then my mind was not capable of processing stress. After a very hurried move from a small town to a very large city I began to develop intense pains. This was also at a time when my body had changed greatly. I had headaches, ask stomachaches and unbearable muscle and joint pain. After a few doctors visits I was put on muscle relaxers and some sort of stress medication. I remained on these medications for about a year. Over time I learned to use food to reduce stress and was taken off the medication.
By 15 the food was not working so well and I began to take my mothers medication. I remember the first time I took Valium. My mother had a prescription she would not take. She told me to try it for a headache. It made me feel so much better! I had no idea what it was. What I did know was that taking it made the pain go away. When it was no longer working I, at my mother’s suggestion, added the Elavil she also had on hand. It worked wonders so I kept taking it. It is only now that I see as my feeling better came at the cost of my mother becoming much, much worse.
Over time her life spun out of control and the rest of the family along with her. At the time I did not know what I was taking or that she needed to be taking them. I never realized why she encouraged me to take them. Still, as the stress built in the family’s lives the pills and food were not enough.
As time went on the pain increased as did the doctors visits. Pills were dispensed like candy. Mostly pain pills and muscle relaxers. It did not take long before what the doctors gave me was not enough. I continued to raid my mother medicine cabinets. But, mostly I got them from doctors. The pain in my body was real. It still is very real. However, no amount of pain medication makes it go away. Over the years I have learned to function without the pills. At times I have no choice but to take them but mostly I suffer through. I am learning to ride it out until the shifting of the tide.