Lost in the Logic of Hopelessness

Artwork by Jason Cashimere
Artwork by Jason Cashimere

When hopelessness turns to thoughts of suicide it brings with it an eerie calmness.  There is a feeling of peace that seems to permeate your cells.  Your life seems to unfold before you with a very clear and logical course of action.

You see yourself as the source of all your pain.  You know you are the cause of pain for those you love and you are certain without question the world would be a much better place without you.

There is not  sadness in this thought.  The voices of despair have all gone silent.  Instead, viagra canada nurse your plan to end your life unfolds before you like pieces of a puzzle falling into place. It seems magical.  Months, viagra usa years or a lifetime of pain and despair seem to fade away.

For myself it was a long term plan.  Much of my despair came from feeling unheard and unseen by the medical community.  The rest came from feeling I was destroying the person I loved most in the world.  I believed that I was destroying his chances of ever being able to follow his personal dreams.  I felt I had drained all his money and I was going to take us to a place of living on the streets in our old age.  More than that I feared he would be sentenced to caring for a broken down bitter women with nothing left to give.

So I got up despite the pain. I began to lie about how many seizures I was having. I lied about most of my symptoms.  When I thought he could not hear I would cry myself to sleep from the pain.  I forced myself to plant a garden, ambulance to take walks, to go to the store.  I thought I was fooling him but I know now I simply could not hide it.

He saw the pain I was in. He felt the floor shake from the seizures.  He noticed when I could not speak or lift my arm.  Still, in my mind my plan was working. If I could just get him to think I was better I would be able to find a way to get a gun into the house.

I took out a life insurance policy.  I called my children to make sure I had updated information to include them in my will.  I told Don due to my illness we needed to work on our wills.  In truth, I just wanted to fix what I felt I had broken.  There was a one year hold on the policy.  I marked my calendar and began the countdown to what I saw as freedom from my pain.

As the days ticket by I researched guns. I thought up reasons why we needed one.  I talked to Don about the government, the crime rate, self protection.  Anything that would make it seems reasonable for me to purchase a gun.

At last the day came!  I planned it out perfectly.  The voice in my head told me if I shot myself people would see how much pain I was in.  They would see the anger and know the frustration.  I could not take pills because that only showed I was tired.  I needed people to see the frustration and the anger.  After all it was the logical thing to do!

Don went to work the morning I had planned to end my life.  I was driving by then. I kept the car and told Don I would pick him up at lunch.  I went to pick him up and took the dog with me.  It was a nice day so I gave him the leash and ask him to walk the dog home.  He left and I went to the gun store!

I had been setting aside money and was ready to purchase the gun. I went to the counter and was amazed by all the choices. I picked up the gun I wanted and asked to purchase it. That is when the logic fell out of my plan.  I was told there would be a 3 month waiting period and that I had to go down to the courthouse to register for a gun license.  My head began to spin.  All logic left my body.  I could not think!

That statement was my Saving Grace!

Artwork by Jason Cashimere to purchase visit http://society6.com/JasonCashimere

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