It is not an easy task to explain what happened to me. To me it felt like one moment I was moving along in the life I had been living and the next my whole world stopped.
I remember holding weekly meditation groups. The group had dwindled down to just myself and one other woman. The nice thing about this was we were able to easily get into a place of complete relaxation.
It was in this place I first realized it was becoming more and more difficult to return to my body from such a relaxed state. After the meditation sessions I began to notice I lost awareness of the solidness of the things around me. Tables and chairs appeared translucent. People seemed to appear more as colored lights than human form.
In a matter of weeks or days, I am not sure which, it became more and more painful to stay connected to my body. I was overtaken with intense pain. The pain was like nothing I had ever known. As the pain increased so did my lack of awareness of the things around me. I could barely move my body or lift my head. I started having seizures. I began to go into trance like states that I could not release myself from. I forgot how to speak and how to do the simplest of things. I could not understand how to write or how to turn on my computer. The words I spoke came out completely different than the words inside my head.
This began years of trips to medical doctors, therapists, neurologists, holistic practitioners, emergency rooms and pharmacists. I spent time in a research hospital for seizures. I was given more drugs than anyone should ever take. I was given many theories and multiple diagnostic tests. Still the answers never came.
Many of the symptoms began to come and go. I would be fine for weeks at a time only to return to seizures and intense pain in a moments notice. This is were my body seems to be stuck. I am far from the strong healthy woman I was on the journey to becoming.
My relationships began to suffer. People were not accustomed to the person I had become. Where I had once been in charge and full of life, I was now filled with anger and dread. My husband suffered the most. He was with me everyday. Since I was unable to drive due to seizures he took time off work to take me to appointments. He saw the pain I was in and I could see it was breaking his heart. Like myself, he simply wanted answers. He was very supportive but the change in my personality began to wear on him.
Our finances began to suffer. In the end we could not keep up with all the co-payments and out of pocket expenses. We held a fund raiser and even with lots of support from our community it was not enough. We started putting medical bills on credit cards in order to stop the collection calls. My husband worked full time, over time and extra jobs. My son had moved in and paid rent. Still it was not enough and in the end we had to file bankruptcy.
As the days continued on, the answers never came, and the debt continued to build. I found myself losing all hope of the pain ever ending. I could not bear the fact that where once my husband’s eyes reflected only love, when he looked at me now all I could see were sadness and despair.
It was then that my every waking moment and thought became about how I could end my life, free my family, myself and most of all the man I love from this endless cycle of pain.
This was the beginning of my descent into hopelessness!