Hopelessness is such an overused word. We use the word hopeless in passing to discuss sports, cialis buy sovaldi games of chance, trying to understand a math problem or any number of things. But true hopelessness is so far in the depths of the soul you can not even imagine there is a shimmer of light that can work it’s way in.
If there is a hell it surely is that point in time when the soul simply can no longer bear the pain being inflicted on the mind and body. It is like a cloak that at first simply pulls you into a warm embrace. You cuddle up and feel at peace lost in it’s softness. Then you feel your body begin to weaken. You let go of the outside world and crawl deeper and deeper into it’s warmth. You find yourself in a bed with the cloak now turning to warm blankets than surround you and you sink deeper still. As time moves on the blankets become heavy and you can not lift your body. The warmth becomes pain and the blankets become a prison. Your mind screams “get up, get up” but your body is trapped inside of itself. You fight against the desire to simply sleep away your life but the pain increases with every attempt to move back into life. Voices in your head scream at you. Every negative thought you have ever felt about yourself begins to play like torturous music in your mind.
“You’re a loser, you’re worthless, you’re useless, you’re unlovable, you’re hurting your family, your friends don’t care about you, you will never get better, you’re fat, you’re lazy, you’re not really sick, you’re crazy, just get a job, look what you are doing to them.” The torture goes on and on without end. It plays for days, weeks, months. You do not know. Time holds no meaning. You can not sleep, food is simply an after though or another form of torture. The voices scream on endlessly.
Then the solution begins to express it’s self. “Take a gun and blow your head off.” The words seem strangely logical. It seems such a simple thing. It seems the most practical solution of all. You are angry at yourself for not thinking of it earlier. “Of course, why did I not think of this before” you hear yourself say. The words give you a sick sort of peace. There is nothing in your mind that would suggest this is a bad idea. It is very logical and as you make plans to act on this grand solution you find your energy renewed.
You are lost in the logic of hopelessness.
Artwork by Jason Cashimere to purchase visit http://society6.com/JasonCashimere